Rules to live by

Courtesy of an old email friend [verbatim, no editing]

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
Jennifer Unlimited

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice – Gloria Steinem

I never married, because there was no need. I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night – Marie Corelli

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house -Zsa Zsa Gabor

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission – Eleanor Roosevelt

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes
out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

There are two kinds of pedestrians – the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull terrier.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error…

A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.

For people who like peace and quiet; a ‘phoneless cord.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone…

I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

Mental floss prevents moral decay.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.

If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

Don’t look back; they might be gaining on you.

It’s not hard to meet expenses; they’re everywhere.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Look out for #1. Don’t step in #2 either.

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

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