Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Of Time and a World view by a good American

March 24, 2017

From a Facebook Post by my ole email, Jim in Iowa.

 Verbatim, no editing.

 “Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the U.N.

The only question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.

In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.

In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.

In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.

In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.

In South America and Russia they didn’t know what “please” meant.

In the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.

And in Australia, New Zealand, Canada and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.”

 Do allow me just a small point on Africa, ole Friend, seing you admit the truth about America.  We have more than 50 countries in Africa, with a combined population of over 1.2 billion.  They don’t agree on anything.

 We get on well with Russia [you lost out on that one]; we buy Chinese pick-up trucks at half the price of a Ford and the Korean Kia has just about taken over the luxury SUV class.  A Kia owner wouldn’t take a second look at a Jeep Cherokee.  You lost out badly on that one.

 Thanks however, you made my day.

 Ike Jakson

Aka Americoon in Americus GA

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Merry Christmas 2016

December 18, 2016

Just 7 Suns from today will get us to Xmas morning 2016 and I shall start early this year because it will be my seventh one of Grace.  I hope for many more and my personal medical attendant says he cannot find any reason why I should not reach the ton; on my side I don’t want to rob anyone else going for it and thus as a human who has had his fair share:

Merry Christmas to all of you who contributed to another one for me and my cousin and Uncle Oom Wennie in my absence from Facebook.

Thank you Folks.  We have family in Oz, Paraguay, Netherlands, Ye olde country England, and quite a number with Uncle Sam.  Thank you all.

Let us remember the good things and the Blessings of our Lord God and Creator during 2016.

The year 2017 will be another year to deal with; for now it can wait.  I love you and yours for 2016.  Enjoy.

Merry Christmas 2016.

Of Time and a little humor in Politics

July 23, 2016

I break my series on Time for a brief note on a little humor in the doom and gloom of Politics of 2016.

We need it; mankind is still able to smile and a lot of it manages to slip through all the rancor that besets us about War and Terror, threats about the End that is drawing nigh; some even call it “and now the beginning of the End has begun” but that is not new either.

Have a break and smile.  My Gmail is down; our banks have fallen with the activity of all the mice, lice, the crawling black hordes of the Nether Regions have invaded our shores like locusts, leeches, parasites and clouds  of financial vermin, but there is still time for a smile.

Pause and enjoy.

The Bama stands out for what he is: a mere little Boy in a game for Men.

Putin and Bama Jim 20151015

 

Bama and Putin Cartoon 20160722

Ike Jakson

In Americus GA saka Americoon

ikejakson@gmail.com

Sundays, sunny days and clear skies

June 21, 2015

To a dear friend I care for and sommer to all of you.

It’s not bad here at 2015/06/21 09:43:24 AM on my computer this morning.

Today is the shortest day in our hemisphere; my weather program says sunrise at 07:47 and sunset at 17:47 i.e. exactly 10 hours sunlight. Some years ago I did the East Coast of America in June and picked a place called East Point in Maine to overnight and wait for the 4th of July. In your own Motorhome you can stand wherever you want to anyway. East Point is more or less on latitude 45 and happens to be the Eastern-most point of the ole US of A. It’s also the home base of the Maine Lobster. The mid-day temperature was Hotazel like in the Western Transvaal in mid December.

Did you know that the sun runs faster near end March and end September than June up north and December down here? At “full speed” it regularly moves up to 3 minutes per day but slows down from early June or December and often stands dead still for two or three days at a time for refueling, maintenance and taking on migrant labor to repair and replace whatever is needed for the return run? It often remains stationary for almost a week around 21st June and December. It’s all high-tech scientifically mille-seconds accurate.

You can easily prove it with a simpler example; watching a pumpkin plant from the day it sprouts the first leave above ground. You will also note that the grown pumpkin doesn’t roll off the earth at night time.

All migrant workers are engaged for exactly ten days at a time; they have to get off before the permanent crew members restart the engines. When old Sun hits the Equator March and September it really goes at top speed sometimes almost touching 4 minutes on a good day.

Come stay with me one day and I will show you my statistics of the four seasons, from which one feller name of Ike Jakson developed the modern Flat Earth Theory.

Can you buy me some Hulett’s brown caramel sugar and bring it with you next time you visit old civilization? Ockie has run out of it at the Oasis Supermarket. I shall refund you.

PS: The word “sommer” in the first line is a Dutch word, meaning sommer, like in it’s sommer a lekka word.

 ikejakson@gmail.com

 

The Internet and Email

May 28, 2015

I am not an Internet Fan.

In fact, I am all for severe restrictions on what should be allowed on the Web; financial business is one. The Webby is controlled by all the crooks and shysters from around the globe; money laundering has been made so easy that there is no way to stop it. Forex dealing is running out of control and World Finance is about to go over the precipice.

For me the only good thing on the Internet is email. It has made it possible for pen-pals to communicate around the World in split seconds spreading news, humor and gems of wisdom of other peoples and places. This one is a good example; just came in by Gmail from a friend in Iowa.

I am still laughing my own ass off crawling around on the floor. This is about America; spread it around and tell us about similar beauties in your country.

Teachers and Cops

These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” [NationalCrimeInformationCenter]
13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
AND THE WINNER IS….
16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t.. Sign here.”

 

I have had my fill of politics on the Internet; my system is still old Windows XP and when any Website tells me that I must update my browser I just wipe that off my visit list. I therefore, can’t handle videos and I am not in the least interested in the porn it offers but you may send me any good slide shows in PPS format.

 ikejakson@gmail.com

 

Africa 21 years ago Today Part One

April 27, 2015

It was Tuesday April 27th when the clock struck 12 at midnight that the entire Africa was Free at Last; the legitimate black owners of the entire continent were freed and every baby born after midnight that night entered the World as a free person; it is estimated that approximately 1 360 free young ones were born all around the country in the 24 fours that followed; in the first 100 days about 136 000 of them, giving us about half a million new free people by the end of one year after freedom.

At 07:00 AM the next morning the polls opened for all colors and by that night the freedom fires were lit all over the country.

They partied for weeks and the World partied with them. I did too because I had supported the move towards Freedom for all our people for my entire adult life up to that point; that morning I had made my cross on the ballot paper to become a free man too.  It was a time of joy for most.

In Part Two and the others to follow on that we will take a look at Freedom today and how it altered lives of millions in the past 21 years and beyond.

PS: Late off the press but to complete the picture with a visual presentation of the truth, see:

 http://www.dailymaverick.co.za/article/2015-04-27-jerm-happy-freedom-day-south-africa/?utm_source=Daily+Maverick+Mailer&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=First+Thing+with+John+stupart%3A+Tuesday%2C+2+September+2014&utm_term=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dailymaverick.co.za%2Farticle%2F2015-04-27-jerm-happy-freedom-day-south-africa%2F

 ikejakson@gmail.com

 

Canada advises Muslims to put some Pork on their Forks

March 21, 2015

With so much confusion in immigration laws in a time of waves of people migrating around the Globe, this was waiting to happen somewhere sometime.

It reached me by email from a friend with the note at the end:

“If you agree, pass it on or if you disagree delete it.” I was sufficiently amused to Blog it.

MAYOR REFUSES TO REMOVE PORK FROM SCHOOL CANTEEN MENU… EXPLAINS WHY

Let’s hear it for a Quebec Mayor or, as the commercial promoting pork says: “put some pork on your fork.”

Muslim parents demanded the abolition of pork in all the school canteens of a Montreal suburb.

The mayor of the Montreal suburb of Dorval has refused, and the town clerk sent a note to all parents to explain why…

“Muslims must understand that they have to adapt to Canada and Quebec, its customs, its traditions, its way of life, because that’s where they chose to immigrate.

“They must understand that they have to integrate and learn to live in Quebec.

“They must understand that it is for them to change their lifestyle, not the Canadians who so generously welcomed them.

“They must understand that Canadians are neither racist nor xenophobic, they accepted many immigrants before Muslims (whereas the reverse is not true, in that Muslim states do not accept non-Muslim immigrants).

“That no more than other nations, Canadians are not willing to give up their identity or their culture.

“And if Canada is a land of welcome, it’s not the Mayor of Dorval who welcomes foreigners, but the Canadian-Quebecois people as a whole.

“Finally, they must understand that in Canada (Quebec) with its Judeo-Christian roots, Christmas trees, churches and religious festivals, religion must remain in the private domain.

The municipality of Dorval was right to refuse any concessions to Islam and Sharia.

“For Muslims who disagree with secularism and do not feel comfortable in Canada, there are 57 beautiful Muslim countries in the world, most of them under-populated and ready to receive them with open halal arms in accordance with Sharia.

“If you left your country for Canada, and not for other Muslim countries, it is because you have considered that life is better in Canada than elsewhere.

“Ask yourself the question, just once, “Why is it better here in Canada than where you come from?

 ”A canteen with pork is part of the answer.”

 ikejakson@gmail.com

Of Gaps and Definitions

August 23, 2014

So many gaps but few definitions, one can say. We tend to talk about all the gaps; we actually fight about them because we don’t share the same definitions or we can’t agree on them.

Let us take some everyday examples.

Many [most?] arguments often relate to money; some of us don’t agree right at the start about the definition of money. For instance, is today’s money real or not?

But let us just say money is the commodity that you use to pay for things and that you normally have to get that money from some effort or activity.

If we succeed in that we still have to define a host of gaps and things related to money. I will mention only the most common ones; please note that I am not going to define them at this time.

In money we have an Income Gap, a Wage Gap, an Earnings Gap, a so-called Gender Gap, a Salary Gap, a Wealth Gap and the obvious natural Currency Gap. Every single one of these things is vastly different from one another and needs to be defined in context in the situation where one is talking from.

Let me throw some confusion around. Wealth in India, America, Russia, and China [I can go on and on] is simply not the same, firstly for the currencies but also depend on the Education Gap, the Experience Gap, the Effort Gap and the Productivity Gap before you can even mention a probable definition of Wealth. Money alone cannot make you wealthy; the poor man may be rich in knowledge, practical experience, in his family life and personal standing in his community.

Allow me a silly one. In the days of our youth way back now, a silly boxing promoter saw a lot of money in a seven foot tall guy name of Ewald Potgieter and talked him onto the ring. Poor Ewald won a few bouts with his four foot long arms and then every little guy hit his brains out. What I am saying is that there is another natural gap; some call it the Equality Gap and others name it the Inequality Gap. That’s a lot of nonsense, as is proved by the case of Ewald the Boxer. There is a vast gap between a seven foot and a five foot six guy in the boxing ring or outside it; leave out the nonsense of race, gender, or all the other things.

Let us without further ado conclude with the growing Communication Gap. Information, Technology and the Media, are supposed to bridge the Communication Gap to make it easier for us to understand each other, to enhance Education and Knowledge. Yes, and that is what they do, you will say.

No, you are wrong if you think that is the case. There is an Article running right now on a feud [some say] in the South African Media about who owns or should own some small local News Media Group. The Media is used to divide instead of uniting us.

Go ahead; don’t let me handle it all alone; write your Articles about all the Gaps and publish them. Somebody said to me many years ago that a good statistician must learn how to read the bottom line. Please define and include your definitions; they are the bottom line for any debate to bring us together, or at least assist us to narrow the Gaps of divide.

ikejakson@gmail.com

Of Mice and Billary’s Living History

May 31, 2014

You gotta see this:

http://boudicabpi.wordpress.com/2013/08/21/redneck-mouse-trap-you-have-got-to-see-this/

For an insight into the life and values of the great American Blogger, read his comment in my Post:

https://ikejakson.wordpress.com/2014/05/30/40-today/

For more on Rednecking, just Google for it.

For more of Mice and Nonsense on History read Billary’s book titled Living History; keep a vomit bag at your side.

In Dutch we say

April 17, 2014

Well, we would say “Dis nou fokken snaaks.”

Read the Article and the first two comments in this link:

http://www.fin24.com/Economy/What-SA-really-needs-20140416

It can only happen in South Africa. The whole darn JSE Stock Exchange goes down when a few copper cable thieves need some wire for the black market..

Hoi for Toi is the expression we use when we are surprised by an everyday event for which they will hang you in China. Here we laugh it off.