The Internet and Email

I am not an Internet Fan.

In fact, I am all for severe restrictions on what should be allowed on the Web; financial business is one. The Webby is controlled by all the crooks and shysters from around the globe; money laundering has been made so easy that there is no way to stop it. Forex dealing is running out of control and World Finance is about to go over the precipice.

For me the only good thing on the Internet is email. It has made it possible for pen-pals to communicate around the World in split seconds spreading news, humor and gems of wisdom of other peoples and places. This one is a good example; just came in by Gmail from a friend in Iowa.

I am still laughing my own ass off crawling around on the floor. This is about America; spread it around and tell us about similar beauties in your country.

Teachers and Cops

These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” [NationalCrimeInformationCenter]
13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
AND THE WINNER IS….
16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t.. Sign here.”

 

I have had my fill of politics on the Internet; my system is still old Windows XP and when any Website tells me that I must update my browser I just wipe that off my visit list. I therefore, can’t handle videos and I am not in the least interested in the porn it offers but you may send me any good slide shows in PPS format.

 ikejakson@gmail.com

 

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7 Responses to “The Internet and Email”

  1. cheechdog Says:

    Morning Ike, Where do you get all these excellent jokes?

    I hope all is well In SA.

    • Ike Jakson Says:

      Morning Cheech

      The jokes in this Post I got from a fine guy in Iowa USA.

      I am fine in South Africa but the “country” is going down the tubes for much the same reason as you have across the pond. Our voters vote the old African way, which was a fine way to do things then but they don’t know that we have since joined the outside World.

      IkeJ

  2. nolanimrod Says:

    I, too, hope all is well in Essay. I just watched a movie about a girl who took a dog and four camels and walked 2000 miles across an Australian desert. I couldn’t have done it. Four calels wouldn’t last me I dmokr much more than that.

    and while we’re at it …

    Q: How do you get down from an elephant?

    A: You can’t get down from an elephant; it comes from a goose.

    • Ike Jakson Says:

      Hi Nimrod

      That’s my point; some of the financial experts on the Internet will make you believe that you can walk 4000 miles over the desert in 15 minutes and find enough money to live in clover for the rest of your days. Some will even convince you that down comes from elephants. How you ask? According to the Internet Hi-Tech wizards the elephant sprouts down when you kill the goose.

      IkeJ

  3. nolanimrod Says:

    I couldn’t have done it. Four calels wouldn’t last me I dmokr much more than that.

    How do you get Dmokr from an elephant. You can’t calel Dmokr from an elephant. You calel Dmokr from the worm in his anus.

    • Ike Jakson Says:

      Thanks Nimrod

      Long time no see; was getting worried you walked into an elephant. I take your point and will not stand behind one of the beasts.

      IkeJ

  4. Ike Jakson Says:

    Nimrod

    Where in the heck RU? See my beauty on a new beauty in my life:

    https://ikejakson.wordpress.com/2015/06/11/to-a-special-person-age-48-today/

    I think that I am in love.

    IkeJ

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